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Sunday, March 7th, 2004
10:08 pm
well, today was my 19th birthday. it was kind of interesting. it started out like any other Sunday does. but then at about noon, nick, charlotta and mark came by. they kidnapped me and took me for ice cream. that was so cool of them. nick gave me roses, and a big hug and kiss. that is exactly what i wanted for my birthday from him. last night was cool too. nick, charlotta, and mark took me to dinner, and then charlotta gave me some seat cover thingys from my car. they are really nice. i thought it was sweet that she even got me something for my birthday. anyways, then today, when i got back we went to see my grandma. she gave me some cloths as usual and 50 dollars, which is really sweet of her. and my parents gave me a movie. i guess the rest of my birthday celebration is going to be in a few weeks, when my brother comes home. whatever, i really don't care one way or the other.

anyways, everything is great at the moment. school is sucky, but i am doing suprisingly well. i am so much happier at MJC. i feel like i fit in. and even though none of my friends are in my classes, i still feel more comfortable. nick and i are doing just great. i just feel so terribly content right now. everything is going my way for once in my life. oh yea, and i got two kittys in my garage. they are so cute, and my dad is letting me keep them as long as they stay in the garage, not the house. anyways, i have a little more homework to do before bed and i am kind of tired. so, i hope everyone else is doing good.

oh yea i forgot. i really do hate Bon Jovi, but for some reason i have this song stuck in my head, and actually it is not a bad song. the newer Bon Jovi stuff is shit, but this older song is better, at least i think so. try it if you like, you may enjoy it too. well, farewell everyone.

current mood: content

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Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
9:25 pm
well, it has been a long ass time since i have been here to update. well, let me think, umm...i am now going to MJC and i am much happier here i think than i was up at Columbia, but i do have to admit the campus is nicer there. anyways, my grandma broke her hip, so she is living with my aunt. i think my grandma is realizing she cannot live alone anymore, which is really sad.

on a lighter note, nick and i are still together and we are happier than ever. we have our little arguements, same as everyone else, but then we make up and everything is ok again. i think that it is normal to fight and if you don't then i am sorry, but something is wrong. on the other hand, too much fighting might mean you need to not be together. but, that is not our problem.

i hope that everyone is doing ok out there. i have not talked to very many people. i know i have kinda been a bad friend. but with so much school and home stuff and everything, it is hard to find time for things sometimes. i know this is no excuse, so i am sorry to those of you i have not been keeping in touch with.

current mood: tired

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Thursday, November 20th, 2003
9:33 pm
: Personal Stuff :

Name: Amanda Lagorio

Age: 18

Where do you live?: Here

Do you like living there? eh, it gets the job done

If no, where would you like to live?: I want to live more north like Oregon or Washington

Fav colour (yes, you can have black): gray

Sexual orientation: Straight

Hair colour (natural or dyed, whatever it is at the moment): blondish brown

Eye colour: Brown

Fav animal: Cats

Pets: Murphy, Clarence, Petey

: Music :

Fav singer: I don't really have one

Fav band (boy bands do not count): umm...??? no one in particular

Other fav bands: all the ones i like

Current fav song: Sonne -Rammstein

What are you listening to right now?: Manson- Ths is the new shit

Song you currently have stuck in your head: same as above

Fav type of music: no fav. i like many different kinds

Worst type of music: hip hop, bubblegum bands, etc...

Songs you liked to start off with but that got overplayed: anything on the 1st Linkin Park cd, and anything by Disturbed

Fav song from a film soundtrack: "What do i have to do" by Stabbing Westward.

Best cover song: Painted Black

Worst cover song: ??? can't think of any at the moment

Fav remix: Korn "ADIDAS

First band you bought a release by: Korn

Name one band you love that you doubt most people have heard of: Iced Earth

10 CDs you couldn't live without: Darkest Days, Mutter, Antichrist Superstar, Something wicked this way comes, clear hearts gray flowers, And justice for all, Korn, Load, Kittie, In Flames

1 CD you're embarassed you own: Linkin Park

If you could see any 3 artists in one gig who would you have? (Bands can reform, dead members can be resurrected, etc):

Last CD you bought: Underworld soundtrack

How many mp3s do you own?: none now

CD that's been getting the most play lately: Holywood

Song that makes you cry: Iris-Goo Goo Dolls (I have my reasons)

Best music to listen to when hyper: Manson

Best music to listen to when feeling down: Lacuna Coil, Swithcblade Symphony

Fav music video:

Artists or bands that you hate the most: Bubblegum, Linkin Park, rap

Artists or bands you liked the output of up to a point: Korn, not their music, the band themselves...they have become sellouts..i have my reasons

Which do you hate more, pop music or nu-metal? tough one...both!!

Is popular music getting better or worse? downward, to a point

: Film, TV, literature :

Fav film: The Crow

Worst film: Crossroads (Britany Spears), Bring it on, etc...

Fav film genre: don't have a favorite

Worst film genre: cheerleader movies

Fav TV programme: CSI, and something ese but i can't think right now

Worst TV programme: Sister/Sister, Yugioh

Fav book: The Bell Jar

Last book you read: Wizards first rule

: Miscellaneous, weird and morbid shit :

Liquid you'd most like to drown in, other than water: Coffee

Dead person you'd most like to resurrect: Ryan...RIP...

Fictional character (from novels, films, TV shows or wherever) you'd most like to be: this sounds stupid and i hate her games and movies, but Lara Croft. i mean who would not like to be a (in guys terms) hot chick and be able to do all those back flips and crap. i would like to be flexible like that.

Song you'd like played at your funeral: Ozzy- See you on the other side

Ever think about killing yourself? yes, that was a long time ago though

Last weird thing you bought: a 5 lb. bale f pine shavings; and 2 50 b. sacks of dog food. life on a farm...gotta love it.

Names people shout at you in the street (if any, e.g. freak, weirdo, Bride of Dracula, that kind of bullshit): they don't usually call me anything, but last time i was called a cow...damn bastard...i should have smacked him.

: Opinions on:

God: unknown being. may or may not exist.

Marriage: something that is everlasting

Love: only truely happens once, and when it does, you will just know it

Popular culture: evil

Capitalism: an interesting concept, that is blamed for everything...damnit Zinn, not everything is about capitalism...(Stupid Conspiracists)

current mood: loved

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
10:09 am
so, i return once again. school has been going ok, but i hate english. there are soo many essays to write, it is insane. well, i have decided to transfer next semester. the drive will be easier on me i think.

nick and i are doing great. we are faithful and happy. it seems like everytime i look into his eyes, i fall in love with him all over again. it has been kind of difficult on us this semester cuz we don't see each other as often, but we are adjusting and i think we have done a pretty good job so far.

i hope that everyone out there is doing well, and if you are not, i am sorry. well, i have school soon so i gots to go.

current mood: blank

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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
10:46 am
well, things have been going ok since i last updated. i have to give a speech on tuesday which really sux. it's like 5-7 minutes long but at least its about something i know. so anyways, i am supposed to be doing homework right now, but i don't really want to at the moment. i really want to go see nick, but alas it is the sunday curse and i am stuck at home for the day.

me and nick are doing really well. last week i was able to see him at lunch on tuesday and friday. and this week possibly thursday and friday, unless he would like me to not come by. then i understand. i don't want to wear out my welcome cuz i hate people who do that. and i have probably done it before in the past, but i try not to at all costs.

i just love the weekends, don't you? i mean i like not going to class all the time but the thing i love the most is spending time with nick. i get to stay out till 1AM. sometimes we go to the movies or out somewhere and sometimes we just stay at his house and watch a movie. it is a lot more comfy thant he theater. plus when the movie is over, we can go to his room, lay down and hold each other and talk or sleep. i love these moments soo much.

i feel kind of wierd right now. my stomach has that achy feeling like i have been throwing up all night, but i haven't. i dunno what is wrong. plus i feel really weak like i have been without food and water for a few days and yet i must keep moving else i die. hmm...well, i think i am going to finish my homework and work on my speech thingy. i hope everyone is well.

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Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
8:58 am
i don't really feel like updating right now but i am going to anyways. i started school and i hate half of the week. tuesdays and thursdays i don't have class until 1 so i have to do nothing until then and i don't get to see nick very much those days either. it really blows a big one. i was looking to change it around, but it is already to late. oh well, it is only for the rest of the semester.

other than that i am pissed cuz my dad is trying to make me work on friday, which is my homework day. and now he wants me to work after class on wednesday. damnit! at least my mom understands that school needs to come first. and guess what dad, i have my own life, and its not the ranch so back off a little bit.

nick and i are good. it kinda sux cuz i don't get to see him as much, but we are dealing with it. and next week is our 10 month anniversary. YAY! for us. so i guess that is all. i have some homework to do before i go to class. hope everyone else is well. oh, and:


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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
11:18 am
today is a very special day for me. nick and i are celebrating our 9 month anniversary. i am just soo happy. i never thought in my entire life i would find someone as great as nick. and i never thought i would be this happy either. we have so much fun together, just hanging out and talking and stuff. sometimes i worry that this is all too good to be true and soon he will end it all. but i have decided not to fear the future, but rather live in the now and enjoy what i have while i have it. i think that we are going to go to the movies tonight. i dunno for sure though because i haven't been feeling very good and so i usually don't feel like interacting with lots of people. like at the mall or stuff like that.

like many of my friends i start school on the 2nd, which is only a week or so away. i am actually starting to look forward to it.

my gma had her heart surgery yesterday. i guess she was feeling sick for a little bit but then they gave her something and she felt better. now she is doing really well. i am soo glad that everything went ok. i know that she must be feeling soo much relief right now. she was really nervous before.

so umm...i guess that is all for the moment. i hope everyone is well out there. see you later.

current mood: happy

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Saturday, August 16th, 2003
1:38 pm
well, i have come back here with good news. i have a new car!!! on wednesday i went by this car dealership in modesto and saw a Rav4 that was nice looking, so i stopped and looked at it. it had almost everythng i need, except a cd player, but my brother can fix that in an afternoon. anyways, i talked to my dad and he said we would go look at it tomorrow. so on thursday, i went to the dealership with my parents and they bought me a car! it is soo nice. so i guess i am almost ready for school to start in 2 weeks.

i am at nick's house right now and we are just kinda hanging out. we get the house to ourselves finally. chris has been here all week. he gets annoying at times, but next week he is not here. so yea, we are gonna hang out now. i just wanted to write an update.

tell me...how is everyone? its been a while since we last talked.

current mood: excited

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Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
8:45 pm
well, i am finally going to update. yea, i know it has been a while, but i just have not been in the mood to write or update. i am not really in the mood right now, but there is nothing for me to do here.

everything is going as well as can be expected. i am starting to get nervous about school kinda. not because it is college and new, but because right now i don't have a car that will got me there and back safely. i am sure that the mojo mobile will make it, but i don't know for how long. plus it is going uphill half of the time on a major highway. i am looking but so far nothing that meets the price range i am in.

nick and i are great. i am really gonna miss him when school starts. for me i won't be able to see him on tuesdays and thursdays because i am gonna have late classes. oh well, i am sure everything will turn out just fine.

my brother and his girlfriend ann are sposed to be here tonight...pretty soon in fact. and they are gonna be here till thursday. YAY! not.

ummm...nothing else to say right now i guess, but i will try to update more often. and nick if you read this...i love you soo very much.

current mood: blah

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Thursday, July 24th, 2003
11:08 pm
well, today was a depressing one for me. it started out pretty well and then it went straight to hell. nick and i went to star for lunch. when we were walking out of the restaurant, i passed these three guys. one one "moo"ed at me. i guess he thought that he was being funny. but if you know me, i am very sensitive about the fact that i am fat/overweight/fatass... whatever you wanna call it. anyways, since then i have been thinking bad thoughts. that pretty much explains my day.i really don't feel like writing so...bye...

current mood: depressed

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
10:56 pm
well, these last couple of days have been pretty normal. yesterday sam and i got to hang out and we went to the mall. it was good to see some of my friends again. it has been a while and well i think i needed the company of some friends that are girls. i mean i enjoy nicks company soo very much, but it is nice to hang out with girls. today was a boring day. i went over to nicks house only to find him sleepy. he slept all day. i don't blame him cuz he didn't really sleep last night. so i just watched tv there all day. then i came home and worked a little bit. i got stung by a bee i think...i dunno for sure. so yeah, here i am.

there is one thing that is really important i think i should say. my grandma has an anurism in a blood vessel going to her heart. it is still really small, but i have still heard stories about how a lady just stood up and she fell over dead cuz the anurism thingy weakened and ruptured or something like that. so i am kinda scared for my grandma. i love her and everything and she needs to have a surgery. but i think she is going to refuse to have it. it is not to the point where it is mandatory.

i also got a call from one of my friends. she said that josh got into a car accident and is in the hospital once again. this time she is not trying to make me go and see him. but i know that his mother is going to call and try to make me go. but the truth is that he is a part of my life that is over. there is nothing left but pain waiting for me if i go see him. so, yea, i dunno what i am going to do. i promised nick i wouldn't go see him but i need to talk to nick about this situation tomorrow. he is sleeping at this moment. anyways, that is all that i need to say right now i suppose. i hope everyone else is doing well.

current mood: indescribable

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Friday, June 27th, 2003
2:47 pm
well, this last week has been a very interesting one. i had to work wednesday and today. it really sucked. why is it that whenever my dad needs me to work it gets soo hot. i swear i am still getting over heat exhaustion. anyways, i was supposed to get a car today...a better one...but i guess the car that was supposed to be there wasn't so my dad didn't buy anything. i was gonna get a 2001 chevy trailblazer. oh well, at least my dad is knowing i need a better car and so he is trying to find me a better one. i am kinda sad about that, but not really. i am sitting here at nick's house, without nick. he went to amptguard, which i think is a good thing. but now i am sitting here and i dunno what to do. i kinda miss him. i walked into his room after he left and i just looked around and i felt soo sad i almost wanted to cry. i dunno why but i did. it is not like i didn't want him to go or that i will prevent him from going ever, it is just i felt sad...i can't explain it. then i started to watch braveheart, but it was the part where he marries and then his wife is murdered. that just made it worse. well, i am gonna go watch that some more i think, in hopes my love shall return soon. i hope everyone is well.

current mood: melancholy

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Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
11:34 am
well, things seem to be going ok. i have gotten out of Oakdale high school finally. summer is here and i have been simply relaxing for the past 2 weeks. i think that i have pretty much made nick's house my home. i am over here all the time. i think his mom is gonna kick me out soon because she is sick of seeing me around. j/k. nick's mom took us to six flags marine world last week. it was fun. i finally got to ride a rollercoaster again. anyways, i am writing this entry from my new laptop computer that my parents bought me for my graduation present. umm...nothing much else going on around here right now. i am gonna update again later, i hope. i hope that you are all well. later all.

current mood: content

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Saturday, April 19th, 2003
12:41 am
well, i am finally returning to write about my life...or whatever you want to call it. things have been going alright i guess. nick and i are still together and are happy together. on tuesday, the 22nd will be our 5 month anniversary. since we are on spring break, we are going to go out to dinner to celebrate.i in fact just got back home from being over there. i feel like such a bad date sometimes. i fell asleep for a while over there. its just that i feel soo comfortable around him and i know he will protect me if there is need. so i just relax and then i fall asleep. i swear i have been sleeping soo much today. i got up at like 930 this morning then i went to nick's house at noon and then i slept for like an hour or two on and off and then again tonight.
oh yea, and today was a very trying day for me. josh called and wanted to get together and talk. i told him no and that i want him to leave me alone from now on. and he asked me if i was willing to break my promise. i told him yea, in his case, because i don't think ryan wants me to be getting hurt the way i am. then i said if he doesn't leave me alone i will be forced to call the police. then he swore a LOT and hung up.
so anyways...i went to prom with nick. it was ok, but the music sucked really badly. nick and i danced once and he stepped on my feet, but oh well i don't care, we had fun. there is only a little over 1 month until i graduate...YAY!! finally. i just gotta make it through this last month or so and i will be ok. i am gonna go cuz i am tired...big suprise...goodnight all

current mood: tired

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Friday, March 21st, 2003
6:28 pm
it is only 630 on a friday night and i am already depressed. this is going to be a weekend from hell. nick is at this thing where they re-enact the civil war. he left today at lunch and he will not be back until sunday night. i can go watch the re-enactment, but it is still not the same...you know? and to top being alone this weekend, tomorrow is our 4 month anniversary. i know that it doesn't seem important, but it is important to me. this has been my longest relationship and i hope it lasts much longer. 4 months and we don't even get to go out to dinner or anything together. we have yet to have a really good anniversary. it seems that something always goes wring and something comes up that kinda makes it suck. one of them has to be perfect or i am gonna scream. i feel like crying right now. i feel soo alone...i know this whole thing is important to him so that is why i am supporting this. i had to promise i would not go see josh this weekend. and right now i kinda regret it. he is mean but he also can be there for you and give you a hug when you really need one. and i really need one right now......goodbye all.....

current mood: sad

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Friday, March 14th, 2003
12:24 am
here i am on a friday and nothing to do really. probably because it is 12:30 in the morning. oh well. i just got done working on this stupid thingy for my stock report. i hate that damned thing! i am soo tired but i don't want to go to sleep, not just yet anyways. nick is probably sleeping right now. i want to talk to him, but i know that it is not gonna happen. i mean i know that i can always call him, but that is not the right thing for me to do. i would feel bad doing that. yea, so i am getting kind of depressed again. i have been thinking so much lately. i think that brains need to come with an off switch and a warranty. my switchy thing is broken and i don't know how to fix it. well i guess i am gonna go stare at the walls in my room. i promised nick that i would try to sleep.

current mood: tired

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Sunday, March 9th, 2003
11:09 pm
today was a long and trying day. i got up and had breakfast for the first time in a few months. i got strawberries!! yay, my favorite. anyways, i went to go and see josh today. we were ok for a while. we talked and you know shot the bullshit and all that. then he asked me why i didn't come see him while he was in the hospital and i told him the truth. that i want and need him out of my life forever. he grabbed my arm and he was gonna hit me. i could just tell from his face. but instead of backing down i did something he never expected. i hit him. i punched him right in the face. it felt soo good to do that. i got away without much pain being inflicted on myself. i mean he kinda hurt my arm when he grabbed me and my hand hurts from hitting him. other than that no real big injuries, just the same ones. then i came home and read for the rest of the afternoon till i called nick and we talked for a while. that was the best part of my day. this weekend has been kinda sucky. it was my birthday on friday and my parents decided to postpone celebrating it until my brother came home next weekend. the good thing was that i spent the weekend with nick, the bad thing is this makes me feel like the universe revolves around my brother. well life goes on. oh yea, nick is letting me wear his metallica necklace. it is not mine, i am just keeping it for him and whenever he wants it back he can have it. but until then i am gonna treasure it with all my heart. i feel important and i am honored to wear it. he has no idea how much it means to me. i miss him soo much right now. i didn't get to see him today...*sigh* oh well, tomorrow i will see him and then i will feel better. i guess i am gonna go. i promised nick i would try to sleep. bye everyone. i hope you are all doing well...

current mood: sad

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Monday, March 3rd, 2003
6:43 pm
well here i am again. i am not doing as well as i was before. nick and i are doing fine still. but my friend josh called me last night. he told me he wanted us to hang out and stuff again and i told him no i didn't think it would be a good idea. he went crazy and started yelling and cussing. then i think i yelled back and i hung up on him. i haven't heard from him since. now i have been kinda paranoid for a while and i only slept like 2 hours last night. i am tired and yet i cannot sleep. i wanna be with nick. i feel so safe around him and i can relax. i know that he won't let anything hurt me if i let down my guard. i need to live with him so i can get plenty of sleep. haha, like that is really gonna happen. i am sure our parents would really love that one. i miss him dearly right now...oh i popped my wrist today and there was shooting pain through my wrist for like an hour...i don't think that is supposed to happen. well, i am gonna go think about stuff and get depressed all over again.

current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
8:48 am
well, i am trying to update again. last time i did this the computer didn't connect and i lost the whole entry. anyways, things are going really well here. yesterday was mine and nick's three month anniversary. this shows that we are doing pretty well. what really sucked was last weekend was valentines day and we both were sick and we couldn't do anything to celebrate. so yea, i don't think i have had a truely good valentines day in my entire history, but oh well it is just another day that card companies use to make money, right. oh another perk that i found is that i am going to be 18 in a few weeks, so YAY to me. then i can buy cigarettes, lottery tickets, i can call and order in to those infomercial thingys and i can rent a hotel room.sounds like a plan: i'll become a chainsmoker/gambler who watches infomercials all night and rents hotel rooms just for the hell of it. i hope everyone else is doing pretty well. i am gonna go cuz i have some stuff to do still before life becomes complicated and i have to make contact with other humans...

current mood: okay

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Saturday, December 14th, 2002
7:07 pm
well, i return and Nick and i are both still happily together. or at least i am happy and i am pretty sure he is happy too. anyways, there are a few things that i need to work out in my mind in our relationship. one is the fact that i am a fat ass. i am kind of embarrassed by it, and i wish i could be thin for Nick. i am trying...trust me, i am trying. he deserves so much better than me, and i can't get why hje would go out with someone as .....BLAH as me. but anyways, i am really happy that we are together and friday was our 3 week anniversary. anyways, today was kind of shitty but ok i guess....yea, so as you can see by my mood i am really depressed right now. i really feel like i should die right now and that i should not be here, like i should have been killed but something happened to make me not dead. it is really wierd. my only motive for living is Nick and my friends. and sometimes i just wait for the moment Nick will end the entire thing. it is just too good to be true, and especially for me. i have decided i want this song played at my funeral along with a few others. see, that is the kind of depressing shit i am thinking about. well, i think i am gonna go think and be depressed some more. who knows...maybe a miracle will happen and i will be cured of my depression......

current mood: depressed

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